Day 9: NaBloPoMo - Possibility

There are only so many hours in the day, yo.

I read these blogs of do-good momma's that are rioting against... I don't know, something... and I want in on the action. I want to stick it to The Man. I want to rage against Montasanto and their genetically-modified crap that we keep feeding our kids in the name of "good health." I want to recycle and upcycle more. I want to want less. I want to make my kids healthy lunches every day, knit their socks, wash their clothes in stuff that has less phosphates, reduce my carbon footprint, clip coupons and grow my own chickens.

Okay, that last part was a lie. Chickens freak me out.

I'm struggling with the parent I want to be and the parent that I have time to be at the moment. It's feeling a bit like an identity crisis that I've never experienced before.

What I was/am: Working mom, independent woman, raising a kid on her own (with part time help from his dad, of course.) I make my own rules (within the guidelines of my responsibilities) and do my own thing. Sure, I do my part for the environment and I donate my unused items to Goodwill, but that's about it.

What I want to be: SAHM, gardener, crafter, make my own baby food, breastfeed, organic food buyer, cloth diaperer, keep a clean house, an organized life, dinner on the table every night, kids bathed and tucked into bed by 8pm, and of course a sex goddess to my husband.

I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. I long to be a full-time parent and leave the working world behind. Maybe not forever, but at least for a while. When this little bundle of squiggles and kicks is born in March, The Plan is to have another one in short order. I mean, hey, I'm not getting any younger! And with two babes within (hopefully) a couple years, I SHOULD be home with them. I should! It just feels right!! But, we (my husband and I - and much of the working world as a whole, I imagine) find ourselves a slave to our bills, house, possessions. I have excellent medical insurance that would be a shame to lose. Our dual-income household is a nice thing to have. We have the opportunity to get ahead and stay ahead when it comes to income.

But I have to wonder... at what cost? Where does "having it all" turn into having too much. What can I give up? What is unnecessary?

Obviously I have a lot of thinking - and planning - to do. Because if I really REALLY want the things I listed above, it's not going to be easy. But it is possible. I'm holding onto that.

The Possibility

Day 6: NaBloPoMo - Happy Anniversary

Today Leif and I have been married for one year. It doesn't seem like terribly much, but the Rough Patch we went through this summer was something to be reckoned with. And there was honestly a point where I didn't think we would make it this far.

No one ever tells you that marriage is The Hardest Job you'll ever have in your life. There is no hand book, no instructional DVD to tell you how to get through the Hard Times. Heck, you don't even know when to expect them until BLAM, IN YO FACE! I know that I'm not special in the fact that marriage is difficult. Though there are times where it seems that no one of the face of this earth could POSSIBLY understand the complete CHAOS that you're in, I'm sure it happens to everyone at least once. For me... well, I don't want to say that it happens more than once, but hey, let's be honest, I'm once divorced!

This past year has taught me a lot about myself and my marriage. Its not all good, but it's not all bad either. And as this calendar year comes to a close I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a loving husband who didn't give up on me, even when I gave up on him. We have a baby on the way that we both wanted so badly and created in love. I have an awesome son who is smart and is succeeding in school. I have a great support system of family and friends who are there when I need them. And I have a personal strength that, as always, continues to amaze me!

Although Leif and I are complete polar opposites (how did I not see this), we compliment each other. We are the true yin/yang and I feel better being a part of that whole. I love you, honey. Happy Anniversary.

Day 4: NaBloPoMo - Checking Out

I didn't write yesterday. See? Already!

Ever just given up? Checked out? No longer interested?

When I think about the times I've "checked out" in life, I think I've done it as a form of self-preservation. If you don't care, you can't be hurt. If you mentally quit, then you aren't disappointed, you don't feel like you failed or that you were wrong. Maybe it's even a way to avoid self-accountability. If you don't care, you don't need to hold yourself accountable.

Kinda like to those frumpy dressers on TLC's What Not To Wear. (I'm just sayin'.)

I've checked out in relationships. Stopped trying. Given up. Decided there wasn't anything to fight for. Of course, in 99% of those relationships (not that I've had many...) it was the right thing to do.

I've checked out in classes I've taken. Repeatedly. It's kind of a joke that I'm a quitter when it comes to my computer classes, but I have yet to figure out why. I really DO stop caring.... but WHY?

I've checked out on family. Sometimes the drama is just too much. Again with the self-preservation. I'm certainly no glutton for punishment.

Today a co-worker of mine checked out for the rest of their time with the company (one more week.) It's frustrating because I REALLY needed that person to button up some stuff before they take off and leave me with a bunch of crap I don't know how to do. I was met with resistance, complacency and a lack of "give-a-shit."

I hope I never end up like that.

I'm committing to checking IN next week. It just has to be a happier way to live.

Day 2: NaBloPoMo - Deliberate Thank You

This morning I was getting coffee from our local franchise, Biggby. The store was empty, service was fast and within 5 minutes I had my Decaf Skinny Caramel Marvel in hand and was headed to work. A gentleman opened the door for me on my way out and I looked at him, in the eyes, smiled and said "Thank you!"

Honestly, how hard is that?

I wonder often how different our society would be if people actually took the time to thank others. Even if it seems like it's for the little things.

Thank you for holding the elevator.
Thank you for giving me a bit more room in line.
Thank you for doing your job with a smile.
Thank you for THANKING ME!

Leif and I were involved in a little experiment this summer then we were going through our Rough Patch. We were charged with picking a day - any day - and trying to make it a great day for our partner. But, we weren't to tell each other when the day was or what we were going to do. Cheesy, I know.

We both found that thanking each other, for WHATEVER, put smiles on our faces. Even if I was sarcastically thanking him for thanking me, it still put something positive out there in the universe. We felt better, because thanking each other was nice.

NICE, people!! Imagine that. Try giving a deliberate "thank-you" sometime. I promise you, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Thank you for reading.

Day 1: NaBloPoMo

I've never been much of a finisher. But I love to be a joiner!

I've had blogs. I had a great blog at Yahoo!360 that I wrote in religiously. And then with 360 was discontinued a bunch of "us" migrated to Multiply. And then I kind of stopped blogging.

Facebook killed the blogger in me.

Interests changed, people came and went and my blog sat neglected, dusty and unloved. I'd like to say that I've totally "gotten my blog back", but we all know that's not true. (Who am I kidding... again, no one reads this...) And honestly, I'm okay with it. The voyeur in me loves knowing what's in the minds of my friends, in real life and in the blogosphere. The introvert in me doesn't really give a rip if anyone reads this or not.

My favorite part of writing - a blog inparticular - is to get out all the bullshit that you're not allowed to say during the day. Gotta rant about a coworker? Blog it! Hate a family member? Blog it! Have a big secret that you can't tell? Blog it! (I mean, you don't know those readers anyway, right?!) Funny thing about blogging, though. Relationships are built whether you want or expect it to happen anyway. Amazing, isn't it? Sadly relationships can be squashed by the blog as well. I've learned that you should never put ANYTHING out on the Innernets that you wouldn't want someone to read on a piece of paper. Or a bathroom wall. Whatever. It's out there, man! And you can delete it, but it's still out there!

Maybe that's why I decided to start blogging about my crafts...

Will my blogging last? I imagine it will ebb and flow since it has in the early 2000's. Will I manage to at least keep it up through November 2011? Maybe. Time will tell.

In the meantime, Halloween has come and gone. AJ was a scary ghoul thing and spent the first Halloween in 4 years with his dad. I was happy to forgo trick-or-treating this year.

isn't he the cutest?

Oh yeah... the blog

Christmas was my last post? Really?

Lots has happened since then. Leif lost a job. We went on vacation. We had a party celebrating our wedding and house-warming. Lots of people came. AJ started private math tutoring. I planted a garden. Nothing really grew. Except a baby in my belly! (Woohoo!) We had some problems. Issues. Therapy was involved (the non-alcoholic kind, for me...). Leif got a job. Then he got a better job. I bought a quilting machine that we can't afford.

You know, life.

In all that is a smattering of knitting and quilting. And laundry. And work.

Again, life.

I feel like I have stuff to say. Then I don't. And no one reads this anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter.

But it does.

Yeah, I need to hop back on the bloggy train.

Merry Christmas!!

Man, what a roller coaster of a year. But fantastic as well and lots of great things happened. Weddings, fun home improvement projects, new jobs, etc. Not much to complain about, but I can always find something!

The holidays always get me down. I really don't know why I let the stress get to me. I think part of it is having two families to spend time with. It's hard to juggle them when all I want to do is stay in my pajamas, watch the Christmas morning parade with a hot cuppa and ignore everyone but Leif and AJ (and trust, the dogs won't be ignored.) Yet, I put on a slightly happy face, try to clean the house (epic FAIL this year), cook dinner and try to make everyone happy. I really need to stop doing that.

Despite the bullshit, it was a good Christmas this year. AJ, Leif and I exchanged presents this morning (it was definitely the year of the Wii... we got accessories and about 10 games). I cooked an (almost) great dinner, even though the oven did get accidentally turned off halfway through baking our potatoes and green bean casserole), made sweet treats and managed to only cut myself once during the prep process! Mom came and hung out, as well as Leif's brother. I spent some time thinking about Leif's parents in Florida... the holidays are definitely not the same without them around.

Next year I've decided to do a fondue Christmas for Christmas Eve dinner. How fun does that sound?! I'm tired of potatoes and stuffing and ham. I want french bread, and cheese, and sizzling steak. And a chocolate fountain! Mmmmmm....

And AJ has declared our new Christmas Day tradition of staying in our Christmas Eve jammies all day. I like it and I think we'll keep it. What's not to love about flannel?!

Merry Christmas, everyone!